Hear me out on this one.

‘Selfishness’ comes with negative connotations. You immediately think of someone being greedy, not helpful or straight up rude.

I’m not saying do that.

If we re-conceptualise its meaning, and how we project it onto others, we can drastically improve our lives. I had this experiences recently:

I went free-diving, but I have very sensitive ears, on the first day I burst both eardrums. Talking to one of the instructors the next day I had an issue, she didn’t believe me. Listening to her judgmental tones after a night of agony and the stress of not being able to hear, her stance didn’t sit well with me.

How could being more selfish help?

On my part, being more self-centred would have prevented me getting drawn-in and angry. “Why should I care what she thinks?”. But because I was overly invested in her opinion it got to me. On her part, why was she being so judgmental?

Selfishness implies you care about your self more than others, which in the right scenario is essential.

But we’re conditioned from an early age to think theres something wrong with that.

Everything wrong with a selfless person

Let me paint you a picture:

Tim was raised in a household of 4, and was taught from day 1 to value others more than himself. His father’s authority was above everyone, his mother’s was above the children’s, and he was told to look after his younger sister. going through life, he built the habit of placing others before him, he holds the door for the elderly, he pays everything for women, he lets his boss push him around, and lacks the courage to speak up for himself. Tim’s a nice guy, women find him timid, he gets pasted over for promotion, and if anything displeases him, he bottles it up. Tim’s full to the brim with negative emotions, not where he wants to be in life, and his dating life is poor. We don’t want to be like Tim.

Some might disagree with how I’ve portrayed Tim, arguing that he’s just well mannered. But theres the point, everyone wants others to be that way, unthreatening.

But you don’t have to live his garbage life.

Everything right about a selfish person

Meet Jim:

He was raised along side 4 brothers. In the chaos he learned to look after himself, his parents were too busy caring for everyone to pay much attention to him. If he didn’t get back in time for dinner, someone else would eat it, if someone stole his toy, he would have to get it back. Jim is at risk of developing unhealthy relationship habits due to potential neglect, but if he does some inner-work, he set for a pretty good life. He can speak up when something bothers him, he has that authority and confidence that women like, having a higher sense of self-efficacy, he’s more likely to venture out and take risks in life. And we all know where that can lead.

Jim’s not for everyone. Some find him overly-bearing, self-centred and rude, but he’s having a good time.

Tim and Jim wouldn’t get along

The ironic thing is that our lovely friend Tim is the kind of person that would not like Jim. He would, in classic nice guy fashion, talk behind Jim’s back because he lacks the confidence to say it to his face.

His point might go like this:

“He alright” he would start with, not actually expressing the full extent of his dislike to gauge the reaction of the person he’s talking to (remember he’s a coward at heart, so doesn’t want to rustle anyones feathers). Seeing that the person agrees, he continues: “He’s just an obnoxious guy, did you see how he goes about with no regard for anyone else? What a douchebag, I don’t get why anybody (all the girls Tim wants to sleep with) like him”.

The real reason Tim doesn’t like him is because he’s jealous.

Deep down he knows he should be more like Jim, but years of nice-guy conditioning prevents him from getting to that level of introspection.

I’m a nice guy

Maybe the above rustled your feathers, thats good.

I’m more like Tim, I was raised traditionally English. I’d rather eat actual grilled shit than complain at a restaurant, if someone pushes into a queue, I’ll glare into the back of their head with such hatred their hair will start to sizzle. But I wouldn’t say anything.

Well maybe now I would.

I’m working on it. Like many, I’ve realised the limitations allowing yourself to be pushed around, and harbouring the resentment.

Why you shouldn’t care about others

Your limit of influence is smaller than you think. Our culture thinks worrying about the world is a good trait, it’s actually stupid. People are starving to death, dying of thirst, not able to pay bills, living on the street, houses are destroyed in war leaving whole families to wonder in search of sanctuary.

Nobody can deny these are terrible things.

But do these things improve when you get upset about them? Yeah you can donate some money, maybe a quarter of what you gave will reach the person in need, but have you actually done much?

By all means help these people, but actually do something.

Help build a school in Gambia, volunteer at a homeless shelter, welcome someone seeking sanctuary into your home. But don’t stress yourself, others, me about some tragedy 1,000 plus miles away and then do something useless like tweet about it. You’re not building awareness, you’re wasting your time and energy.

You need to understand that life will always provide something to worry about, scare you, and make you feel hard-done-by.

Concentrate on the people what matter, the ones you can help.

If the world was more selfish

Maybe there would be less war, who cares if they don’t believe in the same God?

Maybe there would be less illness, if you concentrated on your own health more than stressing about the world, you would be in every way stronger.

Maybe if we just concentrated on our own lives, we could all get along. Who cares if someone else does something you wouldn’t, if your secure enough in your own character, why does it matter?

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